Monday, 1 March 2010

Come back, Monster Raving Loonies, all is forgiven

Jackass or Dumbo. Make your choice
Election fever is gripping Britain. We will soon be summoned to choose between the sorry collection of has-beens, crooks, no-hopers, spongers, bankrupts, conmen, hangers-on, talentless minority group opportunists, fading B-list television celebrities, and geriatric dorks that pass for politicians here.

What a choice. It comes down to Gordon 'take that, you English pussies' BROWN, David 'Thatcher without the spine' CAMERON, and Nick 'who?' CLEGG. They'll all be licking babies and paying off unions until May or June when the whole ghastly business comes to a climax, as all the over-50s go and vote, and everyone else goes to the pub. And one thing is guaranteed; whoever gets elected will be as tedious as Mr. Bean: The Movie. And the sequel.

You can't even watch TV to escape. All channels will show 'Election Special' on the big night. This may sound like Asian pornography, but is in fact three wrinkly old men and a token wrinkly old lady pontificating to eternity while the results crawl in. All bloody night.

British politics used to be a lot more interesting. The '80s were the heyday of the Monster Raving Loony Party, headed up by Screaming Lord Sutch. They ran the party from a pub in Llanwrtyd Wells1, fuelled by good Welsh beer, and twiglets.

By 'heyday' I mean they almost, occasionally, got the 5% of votes needed to avoid losing their £500 deposit. But undeterred they kept coming back for more. Their policies were bonkers but strangely compelling. For example:
  • Traffic cops "too stupid" for normal police work to be retrained as vicars

  • All motorways to become massive cycle tracks

  • The introduction of a 99p coin to "save on change".

See? The stuff of genius. I voted for them, twice. Partly because I liked them, partly because it was a great way to choose 'none of the above'. Lord Sutch himself is no longer with us, God rest his barmy soul, but the party, although much reduced, limps on.

The Loonies weren't the only 'out there' party. Miss Whiplash led the Corrective Party. The Fancy Dress Party made a brief showing, with their signature policy of using a smaller font to automatically reduce unemployment statistics.

Alas all that has gone, suppressed by the fat sloppy swine in Westminster who protect their jobs through a series of mealy-mouthed self-preserving small-minded laws making it harder for a small independent party to stand at all, much less get elected. Thank Heavens for Europe, where we've dispensed with all this democracy nonsense, and choose our president the old-fashioned way. Behind closed doors, over a fat cigar.

1 - If you pronounce that right, it should sound like burping and sneezing simultaneously


  1. 1. Isn't she lovely, your missus? And such a francophile!

    2. Re your 1st paragraph: I'm not proposing to stand for Parliament. It must be some other bloke you're thinking of.

    3. I hope you haven't forgotten Lt Cdr Bill Boaks, Public Safety Democratic Monarchist White Resident Party, who recorded the lowest ever vote - 5 - before being killed in a traffic accident. O Lt Cdr Boaks, thou should'st be living at this hour!

  2. I could probably get a postal vote - but really, I've been gone so long I wouldn't know where to begin (except to absolutely never vote Tory EVER).

  3. I'm so with you on this one. Like a bunch of school kids the lot of them - I wouldn't be at all suprised to hear one of them shout "So! My dad's bigger than your dad."

  4. I wish ballot papers had an option to vote for "None of the above - they're all rubbish". Then when most of the votes went to this option, political parties would be forced to rethink their policies and overhaul their memberships.

  5. I think I remember correctly that a recentish election had a MRLP policy of 'free pasty for everyone on a Wednesday'. How can anyone vote against that? Unless you don't like pasties, in which case you can't be trusted to vote.

  6. Hey 'Grumpy! You're right about our lame-arsed candidates. Spitting Image was only possible because of the huge political personalities in the 80s - Maggie, Ronnie, Gorby, Kinnock, Hattersley, Lawson, et al. Now we just have "famous people" with no talent. I damn near cried when Ken Livingstone finally left the scene; Bozza was no replacement. And Election Special is oriental porn? Inspired! Indigo

  7. And that, my friend, is why I refuse to vote!
    I curse Emmaline Pankhurst and the rest of that bunch, and I will not vote a bunch of hooligans into office. I was just listening to The Politics Show yesterday, and they said that they didn't fight among themselves...they were just a passionate bunch! I'm not going to line the pockets of any jumped up criminal! No doubt Jeff Archer got to spend some time writing his books in prison though!

  8. I'd just like to say that I wish you'd stop stealing my self portraits for your posts. Jeez. At least give a kid a lil credit :p (wish I was that hot)

  9. Grumpy
    I think you're sick and tired (insert a GODDAMMIT here) of me saying this, but I adore your blog. It's my favorite. You really are quite funny and so smart.

    Jesus. I sound like a teenager with a crush. Bastard!

  10. Christopher ~ Bill Boaks! How could I forget. I looked him up - apparently he got five votes in one election. Now that's what I call commitment

    Matthew ~ How about UKIP? They're nice chaps

    PW ~ Aren't they just?

    Nat ~ With you! Wasn't there a movie along those lines once?

    Trys ~ Why just Wednesdays? I guess no-one's recession-proof

    Indigo ~ Thanks! I have to confess to a soft spot for Boris though, along the same lines as Lord Sutch himself

    Alice ~ Radical! I think you and I should start a political party. What do you think? I'll put up half our doomed deposit

    MommaK ~ I shall credit you from now on...

    JenJen ~ Sick and tired? I think not. Plus, as I've said before, you are the master (mistress?) Oo err missus

  11. Have you even seen Mr. Bean The Movie? It's pure comedy genius. And the sequel's even better

  12. I hate the political crap. Is it worse over there than over here?
    The last presidential election over here nearly killed me.

  13. I don't know what you said here, but I sure like the pictures... and so, evidently, do a lot of others.

  14. I can only repeat the advice that I gave to dear Kaz when she asked for a slogan for Labour: "We have fucked up the economy, shifted 3 light years to the right, been patronising, intrusive, authoritarian and sacrificed every principle that the Labour party stood for, we are full of corrupt, self-serving grey quasi tories, but we are still better than the Conservatives. Let's burn Thatcher!"

  15. Curses to the free world. ;-)

    Yes, we have the same election crap here and the "The other guy/gal sucks" ads are out in full force.

    Good Luck with your

  16. Is Mr. Bean still acting? He has an unforgetable face.

  17. I feel your pain. Different country, same song.

  18. I don't know about any of this, Uber. But cigars and twiglets do sound much better than Asian pornography. I'm just saying.

    I think MiniGrump should run for office and turn things around over there. She's a funny, feisty one.


  19. Hi UberG! A couple of points. Wasn't there briefly "The Party Within a Party Party"
    How do you get too stupid to be a policeman? Ahh . . I forgot Inspector Clouseau

  20. I gather we may get a 'hung' parliament - I don't normally support capital punishment but for this shower I could make an exception...

  21. Election rhymes with erection.

    Seriously. Give it a try.

    That's all I've got today.

    So tired.

  22. Do they scream over each other on TV? That used to be a no-no...not acceptable, constant interuption. Now it's a sport and the spoils go to the winner.

  23. Good luck with the elections. I hope Britain gets a leader that you like. I guess. LOL! I am so sick of politics here int he states I barely turn the TV on any more.

  24. Check out my blog. I gave you an award. :)

  25. I can't believe you are suggesting our politicians are anything other than sincere and trustworthy!

    Great post

    Kate xx

  26. I hope they don't go out licking babies, for the babies' sake.

    A 99p coin would be fantastic.

    Am I gonna vote this year? Giving it some serious non-thoughts.

  27. Don't all politicians get into it for alturistic reasons, and then get corrupted by evil moat cleaning salesmen?

  28. Now, Uber, don't sugar coat your opinion. Tell us how you really feel.

  29. Hey Uber, I'm back to say I referenced you/your blog in my last post.
    Hope you're well.

  30. Do you remember Tarquin Biscuit Barrel? He had style. I would vote for Yeboah .

  31. You've been quoted! Love your description of election day options!