How To Do Sex

In which UberGrumpy, against his better judgement, reveals the intimate details of his love life.

Mrs G and I have been together for umpty-nine years now, and we are often asked what our secret is. Well, I cannot tell a lie¹; it begins and ends in the bedroom department. Over the years we have picked up a vast range of techniques and tips, and it only seems fair to share them. Herewith then: my top super-sexy six.

1. Make time for each other

We all have busy lives, so it’s crucial to make time for romance. A regular date night is just the ticket. After long deliberation, Mrs G and I have settled on April 12th. It’s warm out by then, so the electric blanket is off, and the cricket season hasn’t started, so no distractions; perfect. I can hardly wait, and judging by the twinkle in her eye, neither can she.

2. Respect your partner

A healthy sex life is all about give and take; learn to recognise the signs. If Mrs G has her curlers in, or her Kindle out, it’s no-no Nanette. Likewise, if England are playing Australia in a nail-biting five-day test match, or I have reached level nine of Temple Run on the iPad without getting killed, it’s best not to interrupt my concentration. Otherwise, anything goes!

3. The TV is your friend

Don’t underestimate the erotic power of the silver screen. There is a vast array of exciting and exotic entertainment out there. Once again, it’s vital to take your partner’s wishes into account; for Mrs G, it’s anything with Denis Quaid, even the old stuff where he wears flares. For me, Test Match Special has a tantric, mysterious and long-lasting effect. Just go with it.

4. Variety is the spice of life

There are many ways to be intimate, and life reveals more as you go on. With Mrs G and me, oral has become a big thing; it’s excellent. You can indulge whilst going for a walk, or sharing a packet of Twiglets, or waiting for a train, or doing the washing up, or mowing the lawn, although it can be a bit distracting in Sainsburys, even if you do go sotto voce.   Occasionally we will have a go while I am upstairs in my office, and Mrs G is in the garden, although the dangers here are a sore throat, and vexed neighbours, particularly if you get carried away.

5. You’re never too old for toys

Mix it up! There is an amazing range of toys available for sophisticated couples. Our particular favourites are Ker-plunk!, although you have to be a bit careful with the needles, and Travel Scrabble, as there are useful pegs to stop the tiles falling out.

6. Location, location, location

Don’t be afraid to get down to business in exotic places. I don’t want to confess too much; I’ll just say living room; garden shed; loft². (Not the back passage though, as that’s where I keep the wheelbarrow.) Also, here’s a top tip from personal experience; avoid the airing cupboard. At least while the immersion heater is on. Phew!

There you go! Surprising eh? There’s heaps more, obviously, but I had better let discretion be the better part of valour. And all this writing has got me feeling quite frisky. Roll on, April 12th! Roll on!

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1 – That’s a whopper, for a start. Expect some more
2 – Be careful; the insulation is quite itchy

Why I Don’t Own A Dog

In which UberGrumpy gets a lodger. Or does he?

So Mrs G and I have a new lodger, Colin.  Colin is a boisterous young feller and a great pleasure to have around the house; always friendly and cheerful, never a harsh word for anyone, easy-going and amenable, always up for a bit of exercise.  But we’re conflicted about Colin. Why, you might ask?

Well, there is the odd drawback.  Colin pays no rent.  In fact, we had to pay to get him to come.  We also pay for his food, drink, medicines, shampoo, toys (he likes toys), transportation, bedding and redecoration (he is surprisingly messy).  He’s very willing to eat leftovers, including bones, which helps, but he is apparently eternally hungry.  Youngsters eh?  We were told he’d sleep anywhere, even in the kitchen, but in fact Colin is only really happy when he’s in our bed with us.  Which is a novelty.

His conversation turns out to be very limited; we talk to him endlessly but replies are at best monosyllabic, and we’re beginning to think Colin doesn’t understand as much as his eager expression would indicate.  He does fetch stuff, like shoes, and sticks, but it’s all a bit random to be honest. He also drools copiously on fetched things, so opening the post has become a bit of an ordeal.

Colin is also, alas, a stranger to plumbing.  He never takes a shower, and is quite smelly.  You get used to this, we’re told, but boy, does he hum.¹ We left him a toothbrush but he hasn’t used it; hasn’t even opened the box, although he has chewed it. Worst of all, he can’t use the loo.  To be fair, he mostly waits to go outside for a poo.  Mostly.² But once Colin’s out, he’s pretty brazen about where he goes.  He seems to positively enjoy it.  As for toilet paper? Forget it. He doesn’t even attempt to wipe.

Watching TV in the evening has become an embarrassing affair; Colin enjoys an hour or so of Netflix but then he gets distracted, and to our dismay, has taken to pleasuring himself on the rug, regardless of who’s in the house.  I’ve never seen my poor old Mum blush so profoundly.   In his defence, he is quite extraordinarily flexible.  I am quite envious.  Blowing your own trumpet takes on a whole new meaning.

So all in all, life with Colin has got a bit problematic.  But we are undaunted, and will stick with him.  After all, Colin is for life.  Not just for Christmas.

(And for the avoidance of doubt, Colin is a complete fabrication. But you get the point. Right?)

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1 - This is possibly made worse by his habit of rolling on other lodgers’ poo; that is, when he isn’t trying to hump other lodgers when we are out for a walk.
2 – Unless we fail to open the front door by 5:30 a.m., in which case it’s poomageddon all over the kitchen