In which UberGrumpy, against his better judgement, reveals the intimate details of his love life.
Mrs G and I have been together for umpty-nine years now, and we are often asked what our secret is. Well, I cannot tell a lie1; it begins and ends in the bedroom department. Over the years we have picked up a vast range of techniques and tips, and it only seems fair to share them. Herewith then: my top super-sexy six.
1. Make time for each other
We all have busy lives, so it’s crucial to make time for romance. A regular date night is just the ticket. After long deliberation, Mrs G and I have settled on April 12th. It’s warm out by then, so the electric blanket is off, and the cricket season hasn’t started, so no distractions; perfect. I can hardly wait, and judging by the twinkle in her eye, neither can she.
2. Respect your partner
A healthy sex life is all about give and take; learn to recognise the signs. If Mrs G has her curlers in, or her Kindle out, it’s no-no Nanette. Likewise, if England are playing Australia in a nail-biting five-day test match, or I have reached level nine of Temple Run on the iPad without getting killed, it’s best not to interrupt my concentration. Otherwise, anything goes!
3. The TV is your friend
Don’t underestimate the erotic power of the silver screen. There is a vast array of exciting and exotic entertainment out there. Once again, it’s vital to take your partner’s wishes into account; for Mrs G, it’s anything with Denis Quaid, even the old stuff where he wears flares. For me, Test Match Special has a tantric, mysterious and long-lasting effect. Just go with it.
4. Variety is the spice of life
There are many ways to be intimate, and life reveals more as you go on. With Mrs G and me, oral has become a big thing; it’s excellent. You can indulge whilst going for a walk, or sharing a packet of Twiglets, or waiting for a train, or doing the washing up, or mowing the lawn, although it can be a bit distracting in Sainsburys, even if you do go sotto voce. Occasionally we will have a go while I am upstairs in my office, and Mrs G is in the garden, although the dangers here are a sore throat, and vexed neighbours, particularly if you get carried away.
5. You’re never too old for toys
Mix it up! There is an amazing range of toys available for sophisticated couples. Our particular favourites are Ker-plunk!, although you have to be a bit careful with the needles, and Travel Scrabble, as there are useful pegs to stop the tiles falling out.
6. Location, location, location
Don’t be afraid to get down to business in exotic places. I don’t want to confess too much; I’ll just say living room; garden shed; loft2. (Not the back passage though, as that’s where I keep the wheelbarrow.) Also, here’s a top tip from personal experience; avoid the airing cupboard. At least while the immersion heater is on. Phew!
There you go! Surprising eh? There’s heaps more, obviously, but I had better let discretion be the better part of valour. And all this writing has got me feeling quite frisky. Roll on, April 12th! Roll on!
1 – That’s a whopper, for a start. Expect some more
2 – Be careful; the insulation is quite itchy
WTF
ReplyDeleteExactly
DeleteAlternatively have a cup of tea until you are feeling better
ReplyDeletehave a great day
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