Monday, 22 February 2010

They're Out There



Bloody aliens. Always abducting me
The Ministry Of Defence, in its wisdom, has released details of UFO sightings from all over the UK up to 2000. We are awash in aliens, apparently, and I'm not talking about plumbers from Poland. Little green men are flying around the countryside, examining us, taking detailed pictures of our homes and streets, recording everything about us, our habits and tastes, every last byte stored forever. No, wait a minute, that's Google.

Anyway what's all the fuss about? I've been abducted heaps of times, and sometimes it's actually quite pleasant. The last occasion was about two weeks ago. I was walking briskly home from the pub at 9:30, after my modest white wine spritzer and small pack of twiglets, when a sleek, mysterious craft appeared from the western horizon, moving at incredible speed, but in utter silence, and stopped exactly above me, about 10 metres overhead, as though it knew me, and had sought me out.

I stared up. "Not again," I thought, resigned, but strangely unfrightened.

A beam of light suddenly issued from the base of the craft and enveloped me. Intensely white, humming, pulsating, warm on my skin, I felt myself lifted off my feet and drawn towards the source of the light. I was unable to move; my muscles were paralysed but completely relaxed. Slowly, inexorably, I rose into the belly of the craft.

It all gets a bit hazy from there. I remember some small silvery-skinned beings, laying me on a bed of steel and injecting my arm with a glutinous green fluid; but still I felt calm and unruffled. Somehow I knew they meant me no harm. Time passed without me sensing its passage; I later discovered four hours had elapsed until the moment I was deposited in the same spot. I was unharmed, but the fluids they had injected into me had left me unsteady on my legs. I managed to stagger home. When I told Mrs G the story, my voice was strangely slurred, my face was flushed, my eyes were bloodshot, almost as though I had drunk quite a lot of beer.

Which obviously I hadn't.

36 comments:

  1. JenJen22 February 2010 at 01:09

    Oh...my. A white wine spritzer?? UBER!!

    I loved this post. You are super talented with the keyboard, hon. Love it.

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  2. Hunter22 February 2010 at 01:21

    Yes, obviously.

    Fun post!

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  3. Macey22 February 2010 at 02:26

    This is a really funny post!!
    When I was reading the first paragraph I kept thinking, "Wow, that sounds like that damn Google!" LOL.

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  4. Christine Macdonald22 February 2010 at 04:08

    "and I'm not talking about plumbers from Poland."

    *snort*

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  5. Nancy/BLissed-Out Grandma22 February 2010 at 04:32

    My husband longs to be abducted by Seven of Nine. It has nothing to do with aliens injecting fluids into him.

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  6. Alice in Wonderland22 February 2010 at 04:38

    Urber, I often feel that I'm abducted. I sit down to watch a movie at sat 11:00....and the next thing I know it is 4:00, and I am absolutely
    freezing!
    Now I have had every inch of my body examined for any implants or aerials or anything that shouldn't be there....but there is nothing, not even a sniff of a spritzer either! How strange!

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  7. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com22 February 2010 at 05:23

    Geeze, I hate it when those things happen to me too. In your case, they were clearly after the twiglets you had just devoured.
    Cheers, silly man,
    Robyn

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  8. The mad woman behind the blog22 February 2010 at 06:25

    These silvery skinned beings you speak of, do they home visits?

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  9. mo.stoneskin22 February 2010 at 08:55

    It was the twiglets. Aliens can't resist them, even the smell on your person would have been enough to lure them in.

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  10. Vodka Logic22 February 2010 at 09:45

    You are a good story teller thats for sure. I hear the Green King beer is sometimes mistaken for alien "stuff"

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  11. Lou22 February 2010 at 11:11

    I don't believe for a minute you were abducted by Seven of Nine! In your dreams Grumpy.

    Great post, as usual. :)

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  12. Christopher22 February 2010 at 11:36

    It seems to me that the 'lady' in your illustration is secreting aliens about her person. Perhaps you could confirm this?

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  13. Moooooog3522 February 2010 at 13:19

    What? No probing?

    GYP!

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  14. Arabella22 February 2010 at 13:42

    Many Americans believe they have been abducted by aliens - so you are not alone. It's quite common in Nevada. Having been there, I can't say I'm surprised.

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  15. ReformingGeek22 February 2010 at 13:45

    Um......yeah. I'm SURE that's what happen.

    Wine spritzer? Uh huh. I believe that, too.

    ;-)

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  16. Romeo Morningwood22 February 2010 at 14:27

    The thing-of-it is, why do intellectually superior beings who have the technology to travel light years, persist on anal probing?

    Those poor souls who get nabbed twice always swear that the ETs insisted on having a second more thorough exploration up the wahzoo?

    This perplexing predilection makes me ever so nervous aboot a full scale invasion...a global booty-call would demoralize our species..especially if the little green men turn out to be giant blue cat people!!

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  17. Unknown22 February 2010 at 16:41

    It wasn't beer, it was Jack and Coke. Cute Story.

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  18. Lizzy22 February 2010 at 16:46

    btw we took stuff...http://sexnfries.blogspot.com

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  19. RA22 February 2010 at 17:32

    Right down my abduction alley! Hang on, I'll get me coat...

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  20. wasa322 February 2010 at 20:30

    You too? The same thing has happened to me many times. Most famously on my wedding night, but that is a different story.

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  21. Sarah22 February 2010 at 20:56

    that's it, no more white wine spritzer for you!

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  22. Anonymous23 February 2010 at 00:57

    Of course you didn't! LOL!

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  23. Richard23 February 2010 at 01:39

    Oddly, my Missus never believes that excuse either!

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  24. Nat23 February 2010 at 09:20

    Ha ha! I was just waiting to read about the anal probe bit...what a disappointment! ;-)

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  25. Indigo Roth23 February 2010 at 11:36

    Hey 'Grumpy! I have similar claims to explain most of my behaviour between 1988 and 1992. Us abductees must stick together. Indigo

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  26. Anonymous23 February 2010 at 12:49

    That was delightfully entertaining!

    Secretia

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  27. Marla23 February 2010 at 20:24

    Obviously!

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  28. MommaKiss24 February 2010 at 00:23

    Oh please, next time this happens, ask if they take requests...

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  29. JennyMac24 February 2010 at 14:20

    I think the green injection was laced with Patron...I heard Patron will cause the same reaction.

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  30. BalancedPaul24 February 2010 at 16:17

    Yeh - I've had a few of those out of body experiences myself...

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  31. Kitty Moore24 February 2010 at 20:02

    Of course not...

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  32. OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique24 February 2010 at 20:15

    Sorry, but seriously. . . . . what's up with the breasts in that pic??!! LOL! Happy Wednesday to all!

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  33. JennAventures25 February 2010 at 14:07

    obviously...

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  34. TheMiniGrump25 February 2010 at 17:23

    Don't kid yourself UberGrumpy, you get 'abducted' by aliens more often than not. Maybe you should just go and live with them

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  35. UberGrumpy26 February 2010 at 11:33

    I have got woefully behind with responding to comments, and apologize from the heart of my bottom.

    Today's post explains why.

    Please keep commenting - I love 'em.

    ReplyDelete
  36. pixielation3 March 2010 at 20:05

    I bet the green gelatinous liquid smelt a lot like beer as it ooozed out of your pores the next day.

    ReplyDelete

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