Monday, 22 February 2010

They're Out There



Bloody aliens. Always abducting me
The Ministry Of Defence, in its wisdom, has released details of UFO sightings from all over the UK up to 2000. We are awash in aliens, apparently, and I'm not talking about plumbers from Poland. Little green men are flying around the countryside, examining us, taking detailed pictures of our homes and streets, recording everything about us, our habits and tastes, every last byte stored forever. No, wait a minute, that's Google.

Anyway what's all the fuss about? I've been abducted heaps of times, and sometimes it's actually quite pleasant. The last occasion was about two weeks ago. I was walking briskly home from the pub at 9:30, after my modest white wine spritzer and small pack of twiglets, when a sleek, mysterious craft appeared from the western horizon, moving at incredible speed, but in utter silence, and stopped exactly above me, about 10 metres overhead, as though it knew me, and had sought me out.

I stared up. "Not again," I thought, resigned, but strangely unfrightened.

A beam of light suddenly issued from the base of the craft and enveloped me. Intensely white, humming, pulsating, warm on my skin, I felt myself lifted off my feet and drawn towards the source of the light. I was unable to move; my muscles were paralysed but completely relaxed. Slowly, inexorably, I rose into the belly of the craft.

It all gets a bit hazy from there. I remember some small silvery-skinned beings, laying me on a bed of steel and injecting my arm with a glutinous green fluid; but still I felt calm and unruffled. Somehow I knew they meant me no harm. Time passed without me sensing its passage; I later discovered four hours had elapsed until the moment I was deposited in the same spot. I was unharmed, but the fluids they had injected into me had left me unsteady on my legs. I managed to stagger home. When I told Mrs G the story, my voice was strangely slurred, my face was flushed, my eyes were bloodshot, almost as though I had drunk quite a lot of beer.

Which obviously I hadn't.

36 comments:

  1. Oh...my. A white wine spritzer?? UBER!!

    I loved this post. You are super talented with the keyboard, hon. Love it.

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  2. This is a really funny post!!
    When I was reading the first paragraph I kept thinking, "Wow, that sounds like that damn Google!" LOL.

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  3. "and I'm not talking about plumbers from Poland."

    *snort*

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  4. My husband longs to be abducted by Seven of Nine. It has nothing to do with aliens injecting fluids into him.

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  5. Urber, I often feel that I'm abducted. I sit down to watch a movie at sat 11:00....and the next thing I know it is 4:00, and I am absolutely
    freezing!
    Now I have had every inch of my body examined for any implants or aerials or anything that shouldn't be there....but there is nothing, not even a sniff of a spritzer either! How strange!

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  6. Geeze, I hate it when those things happen to me too. In your case, they were clearly after the twiglets you had just devoured.
    Cheers, silly man,
    Robyn

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  7. These silvery skinned beings you speak of, do they home visits?

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  8. It was the twiglets. Aliens can't resist them, even the smell on your person would have been enough to lure them in.

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  9. You are a good story teller thats for sure. I hear the Green King beer is sometimes mistaken for alien "stuff"

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  10. I don't believe for a minute you were abducted by Seven of Nine! In your dreams Grumpy.

    Great post, as usual. :)

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  11. It seems to me that the 'lady' in your illustration is secreting aliens about her person. Perhaps you could confirm this?

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  12. Many Americans believe they have been abducted by aliens - so you are not alone. It's quite common in Nevada. Having been there, I can't say I'm surprised.

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  13. Um......yeah. I'm SURE that's what happen.

    Wine spritzer? Uh huh. I believe that, too.

    ;-)

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  14. The thing-of-it is, why do intellectually superior beings who have the technology to travel light years, persist on anal probing?

    Those poor souls who get nabbed twice always swear that the ETs insisted on having a second more thorough exploration up the wahzoo?

    This perplexing predilection makes me ever so nervous aboot a full scale invasion...a global booty-call would demoralize our species..especially if the little green men turn out to be giant blue cat people!!

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  15. It wasn't beer, it was Jack and Coke. Cute Story.

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  16. btw we took stuff...http://sexnfries.blogspot.com

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  17. Right down my abduction alley! Hang on, I'll get me coat...

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  18. You too? The same thing has happened to me many times. Most famously on my wedding night, but that is a different story.

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  19. that's it, no more white wine spritzer for you!

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  20. Oddly, my Missus never believes that excuse either!

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  21. Ha ha! I was just waiting to read about the anal probe bit...what a disappointment! ;-)

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  22. Hey 'Grumpy! I have similar claims to explain most of my behaviour between 1988 and 1992. Us abductees must stick together. Indigo

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  23. That was delightfully entertaining!

    Secretia

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  24. Oh please, next time this happens, ask if they take requests...

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  25. I think the green injection was laced with Patron...I heard Patron will cause the same reaction.

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  26. Yeh - I've had a few of those out of body experiences myself...

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  27. Sorry, but seriously. . . . . what's up with the breasts in that pic??!! LOL! Happy Wednesday to all!

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  28. Don't kid yourself UberGrumpy, you get 'abducted' by aliens more often than not. Maybe you should just go and live with them

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  29. I have got woefully behind with responding to comments, and apologize from the heart of my bottom.

    Today's post explains why.

    Please keep commenting - I love 'em.

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  30. I bet the green gelatinous liquid smelt a lot like beer as it ooozed out of your pores the next day.

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