Thursday 18 March 2010

iPhone, You Phone, Everybody Phones



Hello? Hello?
They're everwhere. iPhones. You can't get on a train, go to the cinema, run round the park, shuffle round Sainsburys or even visit the loo without bumping into someone staring cross-eyed and jabbing frantically at a greasy little screen. And I wouldn't mind so much but they're constantly trying to use it to impress.

In pubs people run a little doodad which, when you hold the iPhone to your mouth, and tip, shows a virtual beer emptying. This is truly hilarious the first twenty or so times you see it. There's an application which tells you which London Underground train carriage to choose, so you are closest to the exit at your destination1. There used to be an entertaining if rude aplication called Wobble, but the stiff folks at Apple put paid to that by removing it from the app store. That's OK; there are 150,000 more.

My little bro' has one and let me try it out. Well, I'm not impressed. Is it a telephone? No! Where's the speaker? Where's the microphone? Which way up do you hold it?

Is it a computer? No! Where's the keyboard? Where's the dot-matrix printer? Where's the fire extinguisher? Where's the cupholder?2

Is it a games console? No! Where's the joystick? Where's the popcorn? Where's Mario?

So; it's just an expensive chunk of electronic bling. It's a make-up mirror with batteries. And if I invite you out to dinner, I didn't invite your iPhone, so switch the bloody thing off. No, not 'vibrate', 'off', you pervert. What do you mean there's no 'off' button?

If I'm honest I'm also starting from a poor vantage point because I loathe all mobile phones. That may sound strange from someone who's spent his working life welded to a computer, but for me, life took a turn for the worse when my job could follow me into the bathroom. Mobile phones are the worst invention since the internal combustion engine foisted pollution, furry dice, obesity and the M25 on the world.

I have one of course; Mrs G made me get it, so I bought the cheapest one I could find from one of the 42 phone shops that blight Winchester. It cost £2.88 provided I bought £10 of pay-as-you-go time. That was a year ago and I've still got £8 left, mainly because the battery only lasts long enough to dial about six digits3.

So I obviously don't want an iPhone. Those iPads look pretty sexy though. When they make one that fits in my pocket, I'll be first in line.



1 - AnallyRetentive 1.0, from wwwwwwww.getalife.com. Probably
2 - My computers are quite old, admittedly
3 - I have fat fingers, so I have to dial with a Twiglet, which doesn't help

29 comments:

  1. Here, here. I am with you. We resisted cell phones as long as we could. Our youngest was the only 8th grader in her school without her own phone. Of course we pointed out that she didn't need one since her mother taught in the same school...

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  2. I could not agree more, UG. Bob works for AT&T so I guess you could say I'm sleeping with the enemy. It's all undercover, of course.

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  3. I think most women don't like the name of the iPad though. They may as well call it iJockstrap and call it good. :)

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  4. I don't have one, either. I just have a basic cell phone, nothing fancy.

    Hubby has an iPhone. He loves all those crazy apps.

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  5. I'm with you. I wouldn't know what to do with one of those things. And does it dispense chocolate? Forget it!
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  6. I just use your normal or common garden variety phone, although I did buy a Blackberry last year when they were all the fashion, but that is shoved in a drawer somewhere as it is completely useless living here as I can't pick up a signal!
    That "Lego Phone-Mast" has a lot to answer for!
    But, I am happy with what I have, and it does it's job.

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  7. I too don’t understand this fascination people have for gadgety phones…for someone as bad with techy things as me they are nothing lea than a nightmare
    Don’t even get me started on the deteriorating state of phone etiquette

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  8. I love my cell phone.. except when the husband calls me 1000x a day. NoI don't know where you left your glasses. He has an iphone btw.

    So true about the batteries too.. whats with that.

    opps I'm off my phone is vibrating.

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  9. I have a friend from Bangladesh who's amused at westerners fascinations with iPhones because over there they're way ahead with phone technology and iPhones are old hat to them. In fact they laugh at people with iPhones for being behind the times. Weird huh!

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  10. Amen! I detest all those gadgets and abominations......won't have one in the house. I can barely make my dumb cell phone work but I carry it for emergencies. I also carry the instruction book, though in an emergency I pray I will have time to read it.
    Life is too friggin complicated without iphones. Now where the hell is the TV remote for this room? Sigh.

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  11. And don't you just want to take a loaded shotgun to the heads of said owners whose text messages always end with "Sent from my iPhone". It might as well say "Look at me, I'm so cool". Tossers.

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  12. If my husband ever leaves me, I won't be able to work even the television because it's wired to so many things that I don't understand. I can use my laptop and my very simple phone. The end.

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  13. Last August, I succumbed to getting an htc hero (iphone rival) mainly just because the hubby was getting one. I still have no idea how to really use it, and can just about manage to call people (it takes a few attempts to get the screen to unlock) and send texts...wish I'd stuck to my ancient Nokia 3310. Hubby on the other hand has downloaded alll sorts of apps, games, surfs, shops etc on his

    I confess I am a bit of a technophobe.

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  14. Carrying an iphone is the same as having google maps in your pocket. It's brilliant. When out and about, if you need to find the telephone number of a restaurant, type it into the iphone and it'll phone it for you. Genius.
    Got this one wrong UG. iphones are AWESOME
    (funny post though)

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  15. I don't have an iPhone, but I did bedazzle my old cell phone. That's bling, kinda.

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  16. My phone is the worst ever. I'm lucky it even makes phone calls.

    FYI, the ones with the rotary dials are WAY cheaper.

    You're welcome.

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  17. "...life took a turn for the worse when my job could follow me into the bathroom."

    Hear, Hear! :)

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  18. "...life took a turn for the worse when my job could follow me into the bathroom."

    They have an app for that. The IPood.

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  19. i phone, u phone, we all scream in pay phone.

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  20. an iPad that fits in your pocket? That would be an iPhone!

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  21. Hey 'Grumpy!

    iPhones are perfect if what you need in your life is a musical barometer.

    I don't have one, but that's because I'm a twat, and it would bring out the worst in me.

    Indigo

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  22. wait til you get an ipad. it's just so weird!

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  23. Phone technology today scares the shit out of me...

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  24. I have similar problems with Guitars

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  25. Aw, but I wanted one. Does this make me a sad loser now? Shall I buy two yoghurt cartons instead?

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  26. I like your blog! I'm new to this arena and your space caught my attention. In regards to the iPhone - I would rather get my hands on the iPad.

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  27. Serious, you bought a £2.88 phone and have spent 2 quid in a year? Makes sense, I suppose, if you're welded to a computer. You should get that seen to, otherwise you might get rickets.

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  28. I'd love an iPhone, but I'm not a tosser (well, I don't think I am): I don't do that irritating showing off crap with stuff like that.

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  29. i'm not in for the iphone. ever. the touch screen / smudges - we would not get along.
    pretty addicted to my blackberry tho. won't lie. but I DO put it away during dinner. i'm sweet like that.

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