Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas Number Two

Merry what, daaahling? Can't hear you
How I loathe festive music. Every year in the UK, there is a tawdry traditional scramble to be top of the increasingly meaningless music chart, by releasing the most schmaltzy, gooey, sugar-coated, banal, insipid slop that the latest Simon Cowell-inspired, two-dimensional, d-list, brainless, egocentric, half-baked flat-voiced media monkey can croon. (Mind you, I quite like Alexandara Burke.)

These treacle-laden ditties exist for a reason, and it's nothing to do with invoking the spirit of St. Nick. They make a huge wedge of wonga for the author, and continue to deliver the dollops of cash year after year. Because I am quite poor, and mercenary, I have therefore swallowed my scruples, and penned a potential festive hit. Unfortunately it's too rude to publish on this family blog. Leave a comment or mail if you want the lyrics but I warn you, it's not pretty.

Last year Mrs G and I were in town, taking coffee 'n' curly-wurly to refuel between sessions of frenzied grasping for over-priced nine-day-wonder tat for the kids. Picture the scene. We sit in what we take to be a quiet corner. We're adding up the credit card bill, to get some worrying in ahead of January, when on comes Maria Carey ("All I want for Christmas, is yooooo"). This song induces a murderous Pavlovian reaction in me whenever I hear it, so to avoid the ghastly bloodbath which may ensue, I ask the waitress to turn it down, or preferably off.

Flat refusal. The customers like it.

This customer doesn't, so he unplugs the speaker. Blessed silence and happy coffee, and pleasingly baffled waitress.

So I encourage you to do the same; keep some nail scissors in your pocket or bag, unless you're going on an aeroplane. Then when you hear the first chords of "When A Child Is Born", snip! And it's gone. Merry Christmas.

P.S. The very lovely Vodka Logic has posted my 'New Santa's Hit' (watch that punctuation) at her sumptuous blog. Complete with tasteful illustrations!


  1. This plan has legs.

    Are you allowed to go further than unplugging based on sheer terribleness of the Christmas song in question? For example; is trashing shelving permissable when Slade is played?

  2. I so want the lyrics.. I like not pretty.

    And I completely agree with you regarding Mariah ... she makes me........uber grumpy

  3. Matthew. Mass genocide is permissible when Slade is playing. (Spelling it permissable isn't).
    I think the snip came 2000 years too late. Whether it should have been applied to God or to Joseph is an ecumenical matter.

  4. Sounds like you need to support the 'let's stop Simon Cowell the pompous twat getting a christmas number 1 again' campaign. Everyone is buying 'Killing in the name' by Rage Against The Machine (it's only 29p at Amazon). Quite an appropriate track, given the circumstances.

  5. I think there is great potential in this plan...

  6. I think you're being kind with the length of Maria's yooooooou there

  7. Are you addicted to Curly-wurlies?

    It is fine to admit it, I understand. Every time I see Simon Cowell's high-sided square cut and unnaturally white teeth I react violently and binge on chocolate, wine, beer, anything with a kick.

  8. must have lyrics. please. soon.
    love the need to get some worrying in ahead of January. i especially like your spelling of mariah's name. i may have to use your lyrics on my blog; as crying sleep robbing rash having teething babies have robbed brain of anything worth blogging. i promise to give credit so that one of my 4 readers may stop in on you.

  9. Hi Urber, just popped in with my twopenny bit! I HATE with a passion Slade or Wizzard singing Christmas songs! They are the reason why I tend to do most of my shopping on-line! Besides that, all my shopping is almost complete. But a kids Nativity Play just makes me all gooey inside! Got to see my almost 4 year old niece in hers!
    I was watching, or listening to Simon Cowell on T.V. last night. He has his teeth bleached so they look like the ultra-white light that makes white clothing look see-through when the light are shining on him. Jumped up nobody that he is!
    Wear your trousers high! Just below your arm-pits, and a dark T-shirt! How on earth can he have a parting in hair so short! It makes his head look flat...or maybe it's already flat to start with!
    Anyway, I'll soon be back to brighten up your days. Take care and look after yourself!
    Hey, snow is forecast for later in the week...then we'll all complain about it!
    Are we ever happy? (Big Sigh) But they do say, yet again, that we are due for another "barbecue Summer", so out with the wellies again!

  10. Matthew ~ Yes, I like it. But what about Shakin' Stevens? Eh? Brrr, could get nasty

    VL ~ All done!

    Vicus ~ Snipping God! The mind boggles...

    Matt ~ I'm in, especially at 29p

    JennyM ~ I agree

    Trys ~ There you are! Nice logo

    mo ~ Yup. And crunchies

    magda ~ I'll hand-deliver them (that's a clue) provided you start using capital letters. Babies are no excuse

    Alice ~ Yo! How's the vacation going? You're right about Simon C, the swine. As for snow - can't wait!

  11. I love the word banal. I'm gonna have to find a way to incorporate that in my every day discussions. And treacle. What the heck is it?? I have read about it...but I've never really known what it is. Isn't it sad that this post is about music and I only got banal and treacle out of it? I thought so. :)

  12. I've given you an award (its not a curly-wurly). Pop over to mine to pick it up!

  13. I want the lyrics.
    I love love love this post, here's my favorite part:
    most schmaltzy, gooey, sugar-coated, banal, insipid slop that the latest Simon Cowell-inspired, two-dimensional, d-list, brainless, egocentric, half-baked flat-voiced media monkey can croon...

    THE best run on ever.

  14. Urber, I've just been reading back through these past few posts, and all I can say is I love you!!!
    You make me laugh so much that my jaw aches!
    All I can say is can we have LOADS more of this, PLEASE!!!!

  15. I don't mind me some festive tunes so long as it's not in some overlit nasty store in OCTOBER. At home, by the mythical, non existent fireplace with a large glass of something alcoholic, it's ok if it's a) snowing outside and b) Christmas Eve, otherwise in the words of famous hobo Amy Winehouse, "NO, NO, NO."

  16. I like that plan. I'm really picky about "holiday" music. I don't want to hear it blasted in the stores, ever. Background music, ok folks?

  17. Oh come on, surely you know that All Mariah Carey wants for Christmas is another boy toy, pink poodles, fried chicken, and lots of people telling her that her butt hasn't gotten any bigger this past year.

    Like your carrying around the scissors idea. Will keep that in mind the next time I hear Paul McCartney's "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time...."

  18. yeah I really hope Killing in the name makes it.. it would have to be piped into the shops and bingo halls, imagine it!

  19. Having also received an award from Tina and loving visiting other bloggers, I thought I'd pop by and say hello. A great blog, I loved this post about Christmas songs, it was nice to meet you. Best wishes.

  20. Fairytale Of New York. You mess around with that and I might have to go at your nadgers with a set of pliers my friend.......

  21. MiMi ~ Don't make it rhyme with anal though. I made that mistake once, nasty. Treacle is good stuff - I'll post you a link

    Tina ~ Wow! Thank you! I'll be over

    JenJen ~ I'll buzz them to you

    Alice ~ Why thank you, and YES

    Vege ~ Yeah, Winehouse is right. 'Orrible.

    RefGeek ~ Yes, but what sort? Careful!

    Mandy ~ I think you're right. Her butt has got bigger though, hasn't it?

    Munial ~ That'll make the bingo go with a bang (or a bing)

    BP ~ Touche!

    Petty W ~ Hi back! I'll come see you

    Dan ~ If you can find 'em

  22. i've never seen so many adjectives in one sentence before. need to borrow some from you sometime.

    i like christmas music. i have in in my car, on my radio, and i just bought a cd today just for that! 'tis the season! don't come near my house. lol

  23. I like some Christmas music but some m including that Mariah Carey song makes me want to scream. Can't wait to hear your alternate version!

    Kate xx

  24. So, I saw your little xmas diddy on Vodka Logic, and came running right over to check out your blog, and well, I love it! (I too, feel rather homicidal at the howling sound of Mariah)

    So, would you be opposed to me posting your lyrics on my not so family friendly blog? with full credit to you of course. :0)

  25. Sarah ~ Yes, but it's all tasteful stuff, right?

    Kate ~ There's an h in Mariah isn't there? Oops

    VioletV ~ Welcome! Go for it. The more the merrier

  26. Most of the Top 40 sucks, Christmas or not.

  27. I saw your lyrics on VL's blog!


    I like some Christmas music - mostly listening to my kids sing to the Raffi Christmas songs...

  28. I so loved your song! This needs to be recorded! Way better than SpongeBobs new song! LOL!

  29. Need lyrics now! It will match my mood nicely.

  30. no shopping - no problems. Happy xmas to you Grumpy from fellow Grumpy.

  31. Hunter ~ I'll send out your team scissors right away

    Jen ~ You've got that right. If not all of 'em

    S3X ~ Who's Raffi?

    Christi ~ SpongeBob has a new song? I love SpongeBob

    MadameD ~ I'll mail them to you

    BBG ~ And to you too Grumpers