Sunday, 24 January 2010

In Praise Of Wives

Mrs G is a keen gardener.
This isn't her, obviously

I am doubly fortunate. First, I have a wife who is half-French, half-English, which makes for an interesting life. Second, I am lucky in that her top half is English and her bottom half is French. As we all know, the English are sensible but reticent, and the French are sexy but incomprehensible. If it had been the other way round, I wouldn't understand anything she said, and we would have no children.

Modesty forbids me from revealing how long we've been hitched, but here's a clue; at our wedding, we danced to songs by that popular funky heterosexual, George Michael. And Elton John was married. And Frankie had only just arrived in Hollywood, and was picking out nice curtains.

You may get cross with the French for not turning up at all the exciting wars, but I like 'em; and vast benefits accrue from a multi-national marriage. Exotic holidays abound. We have vacationed all over France, horribly abusing family generosity. And my kids have multiple nationality, very handy in terrorist situations, or when England fail to kick gallic butt at rugby. MiniGrump in particular is French, English and American all in one, which is why she is cynical, smart-arse and sassy all at the same time.

We can choose the best of both worlds. For example, I haven't shaved my armpits since the day we met. And whenever we get a new car, Mrs G promptly crashes it to show solidarity with her Parisian kin, saving a fortune on unnecessary insurance.

When you've been together as long as we have, the question inevitably arises; doesn't one's romatic life get a bit repetitive? A bit dull? Aren't you tempted to play away from home?

In a word, no. Like Paul Newman said; why go out for burgers when you can have rump steak at home? (Or was that sirloin?)

It's true that frequency tails off a bit. There's no marital sauciness every second Wednesday, as I have to mow the lawn, and I haven't got the stamina I once had. But I have no complaints. Don't believe me, singles? Let me explain with an analogy from the exotic world of breakfast cereals.

When you're footloose and fancy-free, l'amour is like Kelloggs Variety; lots of different flavours, but not quite enough, somehow. But for the long-wed, it's more like bulk cornflakes. But wait. Cornflakes don't have to be dull. You can liven them up with strawberries, or blueberries. Or bananas. But my experienced counsel is to avoid the blueberries. You'll never get the stains out of the sheets.


  1. How interesting, darling. Thank you for sharing. You may shortly find the frequency tailing off rather more quickly

  2. The French/English duplicity is funny stuff.

  3. This was funny, Uber. I loved it! This blog always makes me smile and laugh.
    Well done, and Cheers! or Cheerios?

  4. I can't decide if what you wrote or TheWife's comment is funnier. I think I shall decide to like them both.

    Running up on thirty-four years of marriage ourselves, Bob finds it quite amusing to introduce me as his first wife. You men are strange creatures.

  5. Hooray for Ms. Ubergrumpy.

  6. Are you saying your wife has a nice rump?? LOL!

  7. I was sure you were going to discuss boobage. ;-)

    Married men live longer, right?

  8. Haha UberGrump, great post. I'm guessing from your array of pop cultured clues that you've been married as long as i've been alive. 1984 perhaps? Am i right?! Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

    PS: Thank goodness you didn't tell us what you did with those bananas. I might have been scarred for life. hehe

  9. Based on her little purple photo, your wife is definitely a keeper. But, are you sure the top half is English and the bottom half French? It's a bit hard to tell.
    I support her ways of saving on car insurance too. I do the same.

  10. PS Check out the coffee shop discourse (link is question about the high concentration of exceptional bloggers in the UK). Look what you started, Uber. It's curly wurly and chocolate mayhem!

  11. never shaved your armpits? you're a lucky man.

  12. Ha! The comment from "The Wife" is exactly what I was thinking as I read this. But you knew that.

  13. What happened to the singing and the guitars ... I might even get to like them

  14. You do make me laugh, thanks.

    Did you get my email.. ;)

  15. A very funny post! Hope to hear from Mrs G in the future....

  16. Wife ~ :(

    Hunter ~ Well they call us l'Albion perfide, so it's only fair

    JenJen ~ Cheerios! I didn't think of that. Hmmm

    Marla ~ I'm liking Bob already

    wasa3 ~ Yes, hurray!

    MiMi ~ Yup!

    Refgeek ~ Damn! I wish I had

  17. Lou ~ 1984! Spot on! We were really young, obviously. You should have seen our haircuts

    Robyn ~ Cuddly though ain't she? I'll check out the coffeeshop

    Sarah ~ No! Or my bikini line

    Blissed-out G ~ What are you suggesting? Ahem

    Anon ~ Make your mind up! Do you fancy some kazoo?

    VL ~ I did! $2 for a curly-wurly! I'll send you some more, cheaper

    Nat ~ Try shutting her up...

  18. You eat steak at home every day? Or did I misread that? Lucky bastard.

  19. Wow, what a hilarious tribute to your family. Your wife sounds like an incredibly good sport. Does she has a blog of her own? - G

  20. Urber, you never fail to make me laugh! Just a teeny little question ... where does the Welsh come into it?
    Does that make you bi-bi lingual?

  21. You don't get 'saucy?'

    What's with the banana comment then?

    I'm confused.

  22. What if you buy blue sheets? Are blueberries ok then?

  23. TheYogaTeacher25 January 2010 18:04

    I've told TheWife she's always welcome to increase the frequency of her Yoga lessons.

  24. Please excuse me while I puke in my mouth.

  25. Do you have a brother? Or could you just put words in my Hubs' mouth? In other words, I love your writing.

  26. I'm exactly the same here. Except I married an American, not a French woman. And I've been married only a few years. And we don't have kids.

    But otherwise identical.

  27. This was really a super piece! Well done my lad! And I'm glad you are a manly thing and you don't shave your pits. Eweeee! Cornflakes are just fine. Good analogy!

  28. Robert Porch-Shwin25 January 2010 23:38

    Monsieur ExtraRenfrogné, Cette fois-ci vous avez vraiment dépassé les bornes. La moitié du haut et la moitié du bas sont à l'envers. Rappelez-vous, vous conduisez à l'envers chez vous. Je vous crache dans le poudding, Monsieur. Je ne vous dis pas bonjour. Pah!

  29. mo ~ Lucky is right! Except every second Wednesday

    Georgina ~ I'm working on her...

    Alice ~ Ah ha! My sister moved to Wales even though she isn't even a tiny bit Welsh. How weird is that?

    Moooooooog ~ You got me. OK, a bit saucy

    pixie ~ Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

    YogaMan ~ Thank you. Can I come too?

    Mini ~ Quick! Fetch the bucket! She's having another party!

    mwbtb ~ I've got three brothers, but alas, two are married and one is gay, so no luck there. I'm available every second Wednesday though

    Richard ~ Wait a while! That's what we did; although obviously we practiced a lot

    JP ~ Thank you! I like the word 'Eweee'

    Robert ~ Salut cher ami. Excuse la blague a l'expense des grenouilles; je ne peux pas m'aider. Ne jete pas les jouets du landau.

    Et par la route, excuse aussi l'absence des accents homosexuel dans ce reponse; mon clavier est pur Anglo-Saxon et tres macho.

  30. I have new respect for you as I am in favor of fidelity between couples.


  31. I didn't know Mrs G had other relatives in Paris.....

  32. since that picture ISN'T Mrs. G. can I fall in love with it? HOT!

    spice it up, i prefer raspberries, myself ;)

  33. Secretia ~ Thank you!

    Thacks ~ Loads! But only you drive a car.

    Can we come to stay all summer BTW?

    MommaK ~ Feel free! It's my wheelbarrow though

  34. You are very lucky to have a forgiving wife (I've met her). I don't think I'd mention Mrs Palm for a while yet, though!

  35. Which half is English? Which half French?

  36. hph ~ Thank you!

    BP ~ Ha! Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters, eh?

    Anon ~ Hard to say; depends on the weather, the month, etc.

  37. I read it again on Mrs G's prompting - and this time it didn't bring me down. The 'Paul' spot made me cry but I laughed too - although that was from Mrs G's comment on your 'In Praise of Wives' :)
    maybe I'll come back now and again ...
    posting as anonymous, but I'm sure you know who it is!

  38. gees dress propaly women!!!

  39. half french, half english? come on Mrs G must be hated and loved loved by All