Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Jogging Tips For Lazy Bastards

Always choose sensible footwear
when exercising

About this time of year Mrs G throws out the mince pies, empties the Blue Peter Sweety Castle, then castigates me for being a fat git. And if I'm honest the 6-pack is looking a bit insulated, although I'm sure it's still in there somewhere.

We must go jogging, says Mrs G. If God had meant us to jog, He'd have given us feet, I retort. You've got feet, she replies, quick as a wink, you just can't see them any more. Get your trainers on. I'll do the laces for you.

When she gets these ideas into her head, there's no use fighting it. I get out my running gear (Nike! Just do it!) from the attic with a heavy heart. But I have learned some useful techniques from previous years' abortive fitness projects, so I'd like to share them with you.

First, and most important, always run in kilometres. These handy measures are a lot shorter than miles, cutting your journey times enormously. Kilometres were invented by the French in the 15th century so they could get to battles before the English and have their cannons all set up, plus have time for a plate of moules marinieres and a nice chablis before all that messy fighting. Then we outfoxed them by inventing the longbow, which still fired arrows in miles, but that's another story.

Second, a good warm-up and warm-down are critical. The best way to do this is by strolling the first and last kilometre, or 'K', as we joggers would have it. That way if you're planning a 5K, you only have to run 3! Neat eh?

Third, a good mid-run snack is important to keep your energy up. I usually drop a fun-size curly-wurly down my shorts, and although it's a bit melty by the time I retrieve it, it tastes as good as ever. Plus Mrs G generally declines my generous offer of a bite, so I get the whole thing myself.

Finally, pay your neighbour to secretly let his dog loose on your planned route. Mrs G hates dogs, especially those that jump up at her to let her know they've just deposited their breakfast on her path. Two or three more outings like this, and she's rethinking the whole jogging thing.

We're almost safe for another year. It just remains for me to suggest a conscience-salving game of tennis on the Wii. Unless the batteries are flat, in which case we'll just stop taking sugar in our tea, shall we? For now, anyway.

P.S. Check out my awesome award from JennyMac! She has an astounding 834 followers. 834! I've been limited to soixante-neuf for ages. Which is not something you get to say often.


  1. Hmmm, I'm not sure I even want to ask what a curly-whirly is?!? Good tip about jogging in kilometers, though. Since hardly anyone over here in the US measures by kilometers, maybe if I start, it will catch on?

  2. I prefer to run in furlongs myself.

  3. I prefer to run in furlongs myself.

    I love jenny mac, she deserves every one of those followers.

  4. Not a good idea to be reaching for the trainers. Recent research has shown it's better for your hips to run in your bare feet - until you stand in something unmentionable that is. Anyway good luck in your search for that six pack, pity curly-wurlys only come in packs of three.

  5. Run?

    Hell. I don't even like walking to my car.

  6. You take sugar in your tea? Shame on you. Call yourself a man? My 6-pack is also well insulated. I like to think it is for its protection.

  7. How funny! Personally I'm happy with a bit of extra'll serve me well in the next Ice Age that appears to be settling into the UK.

    Be careful refering to fun-sized anything being in your shorts...

  8. I run for two reasons:
    1. It's raining.
    2. I'm being chased.

  9. Well - you're probably snowed up by now and will need a couple of tennis rackets on your feet.

  10. Where in the F did that pic come from? I could have survived all of my life without seeing that. lol.

    And I might decline a bite of the curly wurly stored in your briefs too.

  11. Its a good job I read this post correctly, as I might have been alarmed to be reading about the fun sized curly wurly you hide in your shorts that you are always getting your wife to have a nibble on.......

    Thought I wondered onto the wrong site there.

    Is there any chance we could have a photo of you in your running gear UG? Just to motivate us all to witness the fitness as well?

  12. Have you seen the film Run Fat Boy Run? Best film I saw last year. He gets the tasty bird in the end - so keep it up!

  13. I'm a bit on the insulated side too. Top tip: I find a Shock Absorber bra stops my moobs from chafing. You should get yourself one. That and a spandex thong: keeps the wedding tackle firmly in place and no VPL!

  14. My best jogging tip is to sit on the couch with a Mars Bar and watch someone else do it.

    When I used to run I hated every minute of it apart from the euphoria when you'd finished and felt really smug and good about yourself for a while. I actually used to play tennis all the time for hours and felt all muscly and fit and healthy. Then I'd jog to Dominos and get a pizza.

  15. Running! You dare to mention RUNNING? Hey! that's how I broke my ankle last Summer...but then I started blogging, so it can't be all that bad!
    Well, there's not that much between jogging and blogging! Far too cold to leave my home at the moment!
    Yeah, be careful of whatever fun-size anything that you keep in your shorts!
    Hey! How about hiding your trainers?

  16. that is hysterical! Love the kilometre over the mile...makes things go much more quickly!

  17. The warm up is about all I can manage. Feels like a workout to me!

  18. MHM ~ Go on! Start a craze

    Mr C ~ Furlongs! Like it

    PW ~ Trainers no good eh? I tried wellies but they flopped a lot

    Moooooog ~ How about parking in the font hall? Cuts the commute to a minimum

    Mo ~ I don't really. It was just artistic licence. I take a tot of rum

    Nat ~ Did I say fun-size? I meant perfectly enormous

    JenJen ~ If it's raining and you're being chased, do you run extra fast?

    Hunter ~ Thanks!

    KAZ ~ We are; we've got half an inch of snow which in Hampshire counts as a blizzard

    JM ~ Don't knock it 'til you've tried it...

    AWS ~ Thank ee Mrs S

    Dan ~ A challenge! Right, pic of me in running gear coming up

    BigJim ~ Yeah! Good stuff

    GuessWhat ~ Ha! You love that Spandex, go on admit it

    Vege ~ The Marianne Faithful school of jogging eh?

    Alice ~ I'm sorry I forgot myself

    Julie ~ Thank you!

    MiMi ~ I'm with you. Fancy jogging with me? We can take our time, and go via the pub

  19. tell mrs. g that jogging hurts her joints, and she might get arthritis in her old age. it's true!

  20. Go Mrs. G!

    I thought you were going to say you carry beer with you or at least stash somewhere along the route!

    Fun post. Happy running. ;-)

  21. Ha Ha, let's just say running is not an area of my expertise. I hate it as a matter of fact. Fun post.

  22. Grumps, I hope you have fun on your annual jog! Now you won't need to do it again for another year. And with a bit of luck, it'll be snowed off this year, too.

    Just play Wii Tennis! If it's good enough for Tim Henman, it's good enough for me!

  23. I wonder, Grumpy, do you have some sort of fetish for curly wurly's? I'm sure you've mentioned them before and what with you stuffing one down your shorts, well...It's okay though. No need to be ashamed.

    Great post. What is it about the new year that makes everyone go fitness crazy? My gym is now full of stupid women who wear full make up and barely break a sweat on the X-trainer. Annoying!

    Oh yeah, btw, I prefer the walk/run method myself. That way i feel like i'm running without keeling over and dying. :)

  24. Great running tips!

  25. Run in kilometres...wish I'd thought of that! The closest I get to running is picking out yet another pair of really nice running shoes. Wearing them always makes me feel athletic.

  26. Jogging at any time of year is un-British although the curly-wurly nearly saves the day. As such you should not be able to renew your passport. The British way of keeping fit is a brisk walk to your local chippie/pub. Neither of which exist in the USA which is where jogging should be confined to!

    Pull yourself together man and put your foot down with Mrs. G. Although not repetitiously and not too fast - that would be jogging.

  27. I don't think the shoes are meant to enhance her sporting skills Uber. You can tell your shoes look good when you can't actually walk in them. Makes for a very uncomfortable night, but its ok, because your feet look good. Everyone knows thaaaaaaaaat.

  28. Sarah ~ Will do. But it may already be too late

    RefG ~ I didn't like to admit to the beer

    ResYours ~ Me neither!

    Richard ~ Wii it is then

    Lou ~ yes to the CW fetish

    Christie ~ Thanks...

    Blissed-out G ~ Really nice running shoes? Run that by me again (pun intended)?

    BP ~ Which foot?


  29. Not sure which is funnier, your post or your picture. I believe together, they make for a perfect pairing. You never cease to amaze me, UG. Well done.

  30. Good cartoon there! Jogging really is the best exercise for our hearts.


  31. Do nike even make heels like that?

    I don't mind if you run in them, but I'd rather not see you in a bikini.