Sunday, 17 January 2010

Tax Return Blues



My accountant
Here's a song from the archives. 'The Tax Return Blues', by Long Willy Roachcock and the Daydreamin' Mofos, was released on the 'Home Truths' EP in 1965, along with the then-seminal but now-forgotten 'I Bought Me A Poor-Performin' Index Tracker' and 'Ain't No Use Bein' Thrifty When There's Sales Tax On beer'.

Here's me performing it, but before you listen, an international apology:

1. Sorry for sounding American. You have to put on a phoney southern drawl to sing the blues or it don't work. Er, doesn't.
2. Sorry for sounding Japanese. I recorded it on a Roland Micro BR, the size of a cigarette packet1, with a teensy microphone guaranteed to give your voice that Yoko Ono 'je ne sais quoi'. Note also the electronic balsa wood drum kit.
3. Sorry for sounding French. Everyone knows French people can't play guitar. Well, neither can I.

Here's the lyrics so you can sing along:


Done my tax return this mornin'
Got me on my knees
Done my tax return this mornin'
Got me on my knees
Missed my filin' deadline
Gotta pay some penalties

Goodbye savin' days of clover
All that money down the drain
Goodbye savin' days of clover
All that money down the drain
Had to pay my last dime over
Forgot my goddam cap'tal gain

Oh I shoulda seen it comin'
But I'm as blind as I can be
Oh I shoulda seen it comin'
But I'm as blind as I can be
But like a fool I closed my eyes and
Ignored my P11D2

Well don't you make my mistake
With The Man don't you be messin'
Well don't you make my mistake
With The Man don't you be messin'
Get yourself a 'lectric 'puter
And do some online self-assessin'

(face-meltin' gee-tar solo)

Gonna pack my bags and head out
Gonna slide on like Ry Cooder
Gonna pack my bags and head out
Gonna slide on like Ry Cooder
Gonna fetch up somewhere warm
Ain't no taxes in Bermuda


Errata

It's been pointed out to me that there are, in fact, taxes in Bermuda. So here's a new last verse:

Gonna pack my bags and head out
Gonna flow on like The Mersey
Gonna pack my bags and head out
Gonna flow on like The Mersey
Gonna fetch up somewhere chilly
There's a fairly friendly and red-tape-light tax regime in Jersey

And for the avoidance of doubt, we're talking about Jersey in the English Channel, not the hilariously-named 'Garden State'.



1 - But you don't have to be a smoker to use it
2 - It's a form. Kiss the planet goodbye, one sheet of paper at a time

(Inspired by Hunter's recent rap at The Time Crook.)

36 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a pretty good 'mer-kin accent from a Brit. My husband refuses to even pretend to do an American, let alone Canadian, accent when I ask him to, just so I can see what he sounds like without his Welsh accent. - G

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  2. Uber
    SWOOOOOOOOOON

    I love musicians....

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  3. that's some pretty good accent, and i must say you look a lot better in this video than in the cyclists picture. :)

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  4. Congrats for singing on the internet. You are braver than I ever would be.

    PS got the Curly Wurly...yum yum
    Crunchies are great too. Those I was familiar with...whens the next contest :)

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  5. Got to pay the government dues
    to help cut the National Debt
    gotta pay the government dues
    they're broker than you, you bet
    Gordon wants my money Darling wants my cash
    the way we're going baby we'll all end up in the trash

    I've got the "Gordy's government's screwed (and so are we)" blues.

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  6. Georgina ~ Welsh accents are hard to cover up! Keep on trying

    JenJen ~ Ah ha! Made you swoon. Curly-wurlies are good for swoooing recvoery. Hold on - I've just realised I didn't mention one. Bugger

    Sarah ~ Thank you! I think

    VL ~ Glad you got them! That took a while didn't it?

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  7. OK, here's BalancedPaul's comment as recorded by him. It's a bit thin since he's currently feeling sorry for himself in hospital, and managed to croak into his iPhone, but all things considered I'm pretty impressed:

    PaulMemo

    Now it just needs a face-meltin' gee-tar solo

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  8. Laughed at your song! When I was in a band, there was this guy who was just brilliant at doing any accent! He would quite often pretend to be a really loud American, no offence meant to anyone, but he was so funny!
    No, you didn't mention Curly Wurlies! I was reading an article about them yesterday, and they are number 6 in the chocolate bar come backs!
    Caramac beat them, and Cabana too! Oh I want a Cabana!

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  9. You are talented, quick and kind. You can stay. :)

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  10. Bah, now I'm jealous.

    Nice blues geeeetar, matey.

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  11. Well well..I'm impressed! Good one, Grumpy! I'm giving you an award and its not curly or wurly, so sorry about that! Nip over to mine to pick it up.

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  12. Brilliant! You may want to consider quitting your day job...unless you ARE in fact a fulltime blues singer ;-)

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  13. Fan-bloody-tastic! Though I'd love to hear you sing this in a Home Counties accent ;)

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  14. All this and you sing, too??? *swoon*

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  15. My husband, also a musician, liked it. Sorry for sounding American with my comment. Oh wait, I am one!

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  16. What a fun song!
    My boyfriend is a musician!
    I so love musicians!
    Nothing sexier than a man with a
    guitar!

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  17. Too many guitars too many verses too much singing

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  18. Alice ~ When were you in a band? What did you play? Come on, spill the beans

    KiKi ~ Thank you. Where shall I sit?

    lbtw ~ I showed you mine, now show me yours. Let's hear that Rickenbacker

    Hunter ~ Thanks! You started it

    Tina ~ Wo ho! Thanks Tina. I'll be over

    Nat ~ Thanks! Did try it, but there's no money alas

    Richard ~ Well now you've got me thinking

    kys ~ I love it when people go *swoon*

    Marla ~ What does he play?

    Christie ~ How about a man with two guitars? Eh?

    Anon ~ Sorry. More drums needed, is that it?

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  19. Dammit, we ARE approaching April too, you've just upset my day.

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  20. Sweet. Ironically enough, you sound Spanish-Russian to me. It could be my tin ears acting up...

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  21. Wadd'ya mean thin! That was my best Muddy Waters that was...

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  22. My, but you're a talented man and no mistake. I fear a spell on the X factor awaits you.

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  23. You only have two guitars, Grump? I'm not looking forward to doing my taxes this year...

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  24. mo ~ Sorry. Horrible isn't it?

    moam ~ Spanish-Russian? Cool! It's a melting pot thing. I suppose

    BP ~ Or his cousin, Murky Drainpipes

    Mme DeF ~ Ouch. Just imagine it

    Jen ~ Actually I've got seven. But one's a bass so it should only count half

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  25. I have it on good authority (the bloke from Hayward's guitars in Winchester) that until you have 12 it's not a collection.

    I have a quarter of a collection.

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  26. Cool song. What does it mean?

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  27. lbtw ~ You Know Brian! Cool. What are your other two guitars? Also, do you want to come to our gig in Twyford on Jan 29?

    eternally d ~ Welcome! Autographs? I can hardly write my own name, let alone a cheery message

    Mini ~ It's about how I pay to the government everything that's left over after paying for your parties, clothes, booze, travel, and extravagant school trips

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  28. Got it. I'll make some tea, shall I?

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  29. Urber, I play key-board and guitar, plus things like eggs and rattles too, (blush) but we had some great times!
    Hey, what do you think of Cadburys being taken over by the American, Kraft? Now all our friend over the pond will have the chance to try out our Curly Wurlys!
    Had to mention that! You've not mentioned it in a couple of days!

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  30. Alice ~ You're a polymath! Fancy a jam?

    Re Cadburys; new posting, as requested. What a black day...

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  31. Re your post to Mini... actually you don't need to pay everything that's left over to the government. I once employed a tax consultant. Only had to pay half of everything that was left over to the government. The rest was paid to the tax consultant.

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  32. He is a bass player by choice but an excellent guitarist as well.

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  33. The drums are WAY too low in the mix!!! Nice strums.

    p.s. Can I come to your gig on the 29th??

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