Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Move Over Curly-Wurly; Here Comes Cheez Whizz

You can expect Cornettos to get a lot smaller
So Kraft Foods has snapped up Cadbury for eleven billion squiddlies and change. Lots of change. Eleven billion nicker is a vast wedge of wonga in anyone's language, but specifically, it's about $19 billion. Blimey.

Kraft, famous for the most disgusting cheese in the history of mankind, a poison-spewing factory in Woburn, Mass., and a persistent refusal to publish trans-fat content, is now in debt up to its cholesterol-encrusted eyeballs and will need to make some changes.

I can't see the modest Cadbury Curly-Wurly lasting long. Curly-Wurlies may be a delicious symphony of chocolate and caramel, with their majestic swirls reminscent of the marvellous helical complexity of DNA, but they aren't very efficient. They're full of holes, and they're a bit crumbly. And they're short on preservatives, xanthan gum, carcinogenic E-numbers, and so on.

Let's face it. Their days are numbered.

In 1993 Kraft bought Terry's, a smaller confectioner with a 250-year history. Kraft closed the factory in York and moved production to Poland. Will curly-wurlies become curlski-wurlskies? I for one will not be eating them. This is because of my high social principles, and is nothing to do with them already being a bit sickly. God knows what they'll be like after the sugar wizards of Warsaw and Gdansk get hold of them.

On previous form, then, we can expect Kraft to wait for the press to focus on something else, then close down the Cadbury factories, along with their expensive outdated Quaker social policies. They'll save a mint, and no-one will notice, will they? Apart from the sacked employees, obviously, but they won't be able to afford chocolate anymore in any case.

So, with a heavy heart, this right-on socially-aware blog waves goodbye to the humble curly-wurly. From today we switch snack.

Behold: the day of the Twiglet.


  1. Everytime someone mentions this, I die a little inside.

    Goodbye, Wispa.

  2. Is a twiglet a real thing? cuz it kinda sounds good. :)

  3. Please don't let them kill the Dairy Milk. Or the one with the nuts in that used to have an advert which went 'Nuts, all hazlenuts. Cadbury's make 'em and they cover them in chocolate' or something.
    PS. I very much enjoyed the Tax Return Blues, and found the new final verse if anything even better than the original.

  4. Don't say this will hurt the wispa! I need the wispa! Not the gold one obviously.

  5. Cheeze wizzz sounds disgusting too.

  6. Oi, punk, I knew a really nice sugar wizard in Gdansk once, he was really cool and took me out to some great bars but anyway, this whole Cadbury thing really gets my goat.

    One moment every day on breakfast news (BBC of course) is visited by an angry bigwig at Cadbury saying that they will never be for sale and the next moment it is a done deal. I'm ashamed to be a Brit.

  7. Isn't Kraft an American company? American chocolate is disgusting. I'm so sorry, Grump.

  8. Kraft is an American company, so Americans might just get Curly Wurlys now.
    Twiglets are just like that...twigs covered in Marmite! Hey, Urber, I have a Terry's chocolate orange in the fridge, do you think I should sell it on e-bay, or keep it for prosperity?
    I'd value your opinion.
    Yeah, lets have a jamming session to cheer ourselves up! The Curly Blues sounds good!

  9. Please buy all the curly-wurlys you can. Put them in your freezer and give them away on your blog.

    Or, you can just send them all to me.


  10. I am so excited that I have a year's (hahahaha) supply of curly wurlies to turn over to the Smithsonian when they decide it was "one of those things we shouldn't have gotten rid of but had to in order to keep the Cadbury Disgusting Egg" and go looking under landfills for one, in it's original wrapping.

  11. I was kinda hoping Kraft would be smart enough to leave the Cadbury recipes alone, but you do make a convincing case. Sad. We seem to be headed toward a day when there will only be One Huge Global Conglomerate.

  12. No, Uber, please say it isn't so!!! How will I sleep tonight? I'm still awaiting that curly wurly. Did you get the antique gum yet? I sent it in a big envelope addressed to "Uber Grump." Should arrive any day now, I'm thinking. I imagine it'll taste just as good as any Kraft fake cheese gets.

  13. I don't know if you've tasted the U.S. version of Cadbury's. It looks like Cadbury's and has the cadbury logo but it's made by Hershey and it's HORRIBLE tasteless stuff. No creaminess that we expect from Cadbury, just boring nothingness. All my years in the States this made me very sad. Now I'm in Canada where Cadbury tastes like Cadbury. Hoorah! Although, Kraft will probably fuck it up royally just because. I happen to like Kraft as a rule. They make tasty condiments.

  14. I've never actually eaten a curly-wurly...better dash out at lunchtime and get one, so that I can at least get to try one in its unadulterated form.

    Will you be starting a Curly-Wurly Demise support group for when they curl up their toes?

  15. Noooo it can't be true. American chocolate is horrible plus with all the history behind Cadburys it mades me sad.

    Kate xx

  16. Mini ~ It;s home-made chocolate brownies from now on then

    MiMi ~ It is! More to come

    Mrs T ~ Welcome, and thanks

    Tina ~ Good taste in Wispas eh?

    Secretia ~ Yup, everything about Cheez Whizz is disgusting

  17. mo ~ Really? I thought I'd invented the whole Polish sugar wizard thing

    Jen ~ It is. Awful, I know

    Alice ~ I'll buy your chocolate orange. We can have it with our jam

    Hunter ~ Yes, but hello Twiglet! Look on the bright side

    RefGeek ~ You may have a point there. They're still on special

    JenJen ~ Keep it! It'll be worth millions soon. And those eggs are foul aren't they?

    BLissedOutG ~ The mind boggles! IBM crackers? Microsoft comdoms? Apple telephones? Who knows

    Robyn ~ The gum isn't here. Maybe it got 'stuck' in the post

    Vege ~ OK, I concede the Philadelphia cheese is not bad

    Nat ~ What? You need to lose your curly-wurlinity immediately

    Kate ~ Me too

  18. I had to get rid of my curly wurlies when I had my vasectomy.

    Wait. What are we talking about?

  19. this is a true chocolate travesty.

    Imagine - we might end up with chocolate in a jar now.

    Oh wait.. that already exists.

  20. Ubes: hyperbole = curly wurly at the intersection of a conical surface and some antique gum stuck to a post. Mix in some Kraft, ah, what a treat!

  21. I was listening to NPR and heard about this. That NPR part is a secret. Anyway - the Chairman of Cadbury was was very "high brow" when asked about the decision to finally sell out. For me? They better keep the f'n eggs!

  22. let's hope the huge debt crush the crappy chesse empire.

  23. It seems clear to me that we must rise up and revolt against krass Kraft. Everyone knows the germans should not be making chocolate.

  24. Look on the bright side - they might have a closing down sale.
    BTW I should have foreseen the day of the twiglet. Looking back to the Sports Illustrated blog I can see now you have a twiglet tucked in your mankini...

  25. This is bad news Grump...we must fight these Krafty beeches on the water, we must fight them in the hills, streets, Tesco aisles, we must never surrender, in our cause for the true unadulterated, Curly Wurly. What are you waiting for Grump, sound the war cry....

  26. Borne Chirps Worth20 January 2010 at 21:16

    Mine are curlier than they are wurly so my wife makes me cut them off with a kraft knife every springtime. I can't understand what the fuss is about. Is that ok or should I seek HELP?

  27. Ok. So what is a Curly-wurly? never heard of it.

  28. Amazing, exploring the vast world of blogs, you might think that they are bursting with news of curly wurly greatness.

  29. Moooooog ~ I haven't had mine done yet. Does it hurt?

    pixie ~ Nutella. Yeuck

    Robyn ~ That's some recipe!

    MommaK ~ Welcome! I should think the eggs will stay, as they are already full of Cheez Whizz

    Sarah ~ You never know...

  30. Reading This ~ What were you studying again?

    BP ~ Mrs G said it tasted a bit salty. Now I know why

    AWS ~ Good heavens! I feel strangely stirred. To arms!

    Borne Chips Worth ~ Ah ha! Happy birthday

    AmyLK ~ Welcome! It's a delicious confection consigned to the annals of history

    ReadingThis ~ Not for long though, alas

  31. " ...the most disgusting cheese in the history of mankind."

    That pretty much sums it up.

  32. As a proud capitalist and shareholder of Kraft, I look forward to bringing you all our fine products, obesity, etc.