Sunday, 15 November 2009

The Ten (PC) Commandments

And there'll be none of that either
1. Thou shalt not debate. At dinner parties thou shalt restrict thyself to talk of house prices, and the X Factor

2. Thou shalt never criticise the NHS, and thou shalt hold dear its essence, of being free to everyone forever

3. Thou shalt pay without complaint NHS parking charges, prescription fees1, eye tests, dental work, substitute edible food for in-patients, poncey coffee in the lobby, essential services in thy dotage, vaccines, etc., and thou shalt cough up charitably for the MRI scanner which shall remain forever idle for lack of staff

4. Thou shalt keep thy Private Healthcare a close secret, although thou canst swank to thy heart's content about the expensive school to which thou sendest thy progeny

5. Thou shalt mightily endorse all things gay, even when thou becomest slightly queasy during Brokeback Mountain, and thou findest Graham Norton to be the most annoying and unfunny midget on TV since the Crankies, or even Ronnie Corbett

6. Thou shalt never criticise anything Jewish, lest thou be branded anti-semitic and have valuable banking services withheld from thee. However thou canst enthusiastically kick the Christian, for he will offer his other cheek, at which point you can kick that too. Thou canst likewise diss the Muslim, although thou riskest a Fatwa on thine arse

7. Thou shalt not read nor peep at the tabloids. Only The Guardian shall be thy organ of choice, even if thou preferest the crossword in The Telegraph, and thou findest Polly Toynbee to be self-righteous and up herself

8. Thou shalt express a preference for Labour although deep in thy heart thou longest for a bit of common sense, and the return of thy pension dividend credits

9. Thou shalt be in touch with thy feminine side, but not in a naughty way. Wolf whistle shalt thou never, except where it be an ironic endorsement of a male colleague who looks particularly buff today

10. Thou shalt stick to only Ten Commandments, and Ten shall be the count, even though thou feelest thou've only just got started

1 - Unless thou art Scottish or Welsh


  1. Thou shalt continue to grump until the well runs dry. (I should think we've got a way to go then!)

  2. LOL! This was starting to sound a bit like Monty Python!
    Loved it!

  3. The picture's alright. Shame about the lady in it.

  4. 1. For extra points, try and insert the topic of your recent bout of piles.

    2. I mean come on, it is free. It's not like you pay tax or anything...

    3. Don't forget that thou shalt wash thine hands in alcohol gel rub furiously and often, while wondering where the in-house staff do their washing.

    4. Absolutely. Better keep the subscription to 'Jugs' under wraps too.

    5. Don't get me started on Graham Norton. If anything was more off-putting that having an old woman hold up a vibrating... Hmmm... how did I get started?

    6. Where do the Mormons fit in here?

    7. Except page 3, obviously, that's worth a peep.

    8. I prefer labour in the sense of not being a lazy layabout benefit sponging toe-rag... is that what you meant?

    9. If I had a feminine side I'd be playing with it all day long, believe me!

    10. Ok!

  5. very funny! so the free nhs is not free afterall?

  6. You have inspired me- tricky thing to do on a Monday morning!!! Check out my blog later for my 10 commandments- will have to write later as rabbit has chewed through one of my daughters school books, one of cats has just been sick on the carpet and one of the kittens has narrowly missed going through a wash cycle (inside the washing machine NOT a good place to play!)Tra, la, la- another Monday morning!

  7. Kate - nasty cat experience - did you check out '20 feline facts' earlier this month? Spooky

    Enjoy your Monday!

  8. 1. and thou shalt stop making thou's daughter cry at mealtime debates

    2. thou shalt not criticize what is free. even if it turns out it isn't.

    3. thou shalt see above

    4. and why has thou not sent thou's own progeny to said expensive school?

    5. and thou shalt not complain when gay references are shoved down thou's throat in Doctor Who

    6. if thou is so against Church, why not skip church at ohmygoodnessitisstilldarkoutside o'clock?

    7. thou shalt continue getting The Times, so thou's daughter can steal the 'Style' magazine that comes with it

    8. thou shalt always vote for the monster raving loony party. always.

    9. thou shalt never say the terms 'buff' and 'male colleague' in the same sentence ever again.

    10. phew. thank goodness that's over.

  9. All right, MiniGrump, I know who you are, and your pocket money is officially on hold, or at least until you make me a nice cup of tea

  10. Too many Thous plea for a few thees and thys

  11. Sarah - sorry, I missed your comment - well yes, it is free, sort of, and I guess I shouldn't diss it; it's there when it counts. Couldn't help myself...